Belonging as "The Better Part" - On Loneliness as An Invitation to Discover New Resources (Jul 17, 2016)

Sermon: Belonging as “the Better Part”

           - On Loneliness as An Invitation to Discover New Resources

Text: Luke 10:38-42

I would like to begin our conversation with a question I posted to my Facebook page: “What is the primary factor that creates loneliness in you, if you have ever experienced it, or if you are feeling lonely now?” Please let me repeat the question for you.

As we think about that question, I would like you to get up from your seats and make a big circle around the chairs. You can move slowly, take your time, especially if you find moving a bit of a challenge.

The goal of this activity is to acknowledge that for some of us loneliness is a real problem. We acknowledge that it is present in our lives. If you deal with the issue of loneliness or isolation for any reason, gently squeeze the hand of the person next to you, and if you’re shy about the person next to you knowing that you do, I add this: if you notice that the person next to you gently squeezes your hand, pass it on to the person on your other side.

And let’s come back to our seats.

My wondering about the nature of loneliness in our lives, its effects on our lives and how we can understand it and deal with it started when I read Loneliness as an Invitation to Discover New Resources, in Joan Chittister’s book, Between the Dark and the Daylight: Embracing the Contradictions of Life. On my first reading, I was surprised and delighted to develop a new lens to see loneliness in a positive way. In her book, Chittister deals with a kind of loneliness that is mainly caused by the external changes and transitions we all may experience in a new life situation or environment. Joan says, “Every life deals with loneliness at some point or other: Our partner dies; sickness sets in that makes our old social calendar impossible; we find ourselves in a new job, a new town, a new country, a new world. More than one person who was once naturally outgoing and apparently self-confident has succumbed to all of those things. The problem is that the more we withdraw, the more withdrawn we become. People stop calling. No one stops by. I never meet anyone new. I never do meaningful new things. But then is not the time to hide from the world; then is the time to strike out in totally new ways to find the rest of the self in the rest of the world.” To find the rest of the self in the rest of the world! “It is the opportunity we do not seek, to do things we never thought of doing, and in the end it is an invitation to become new again.”

Chittister shares a story that happened when she was nineteen, when she began living with “All professed nuns” as a novitiate. As a student nun, she didn’t know any of them personally. She had nothing in common with the older nuns. The community customs simply did not provide for any way to make personal connections. In fact, the rules said that professed sisters were not permitted to speak to the nonprofessed except professionally. Chittister says it was a very lonely, very desperate time. “At that age, at a new point in life, I needed more personal contact than that.” She couldn’t leave the place. She couldn’t change the place. Then it became clear to her that getting through this was really up to her. She knew that she had to have a plan. So, she made a list of things she had wanted to do for years but was never in the right situation to try: study all of Shakespeare’s plays, for instance, read all the American musicals, learn to carve leather. Chittister says that all of a sudden the desperate time became a totally immersed life with educational and artistic potentials. When she looks back on that brief time of her life, she learns that as a result of that situation, she discovered something that has proven invaluable over the years. “In order for loneliness - as real as it is - to deplete us, we must feed it.”

Chittister’s insights help me to see loneliness in a positive way - especially if, at certain points of our lives, experiencing it is inevitable - . The new lens surely has power that can rescue us from drowning in self-pity over our perceived miseries. Yes, “Loneliness can be another kind of call to go on growing in ways that take us beyond dependency on others to the creation of life’s most important resources within ourselves.” Yes, “Loneliness is a sign that there are whole parts of us that cry out for development.” I was very surprised and welcomed those words - the crying out for development!

However, I also see the limitations that are present in Chittister’s views on loneliness. Can we just say that the meaningful conclusion of handling loneliness is just up to an individual, just up to me, and self-development? 
Yes, loneliness offers an invaluable lesson on how to become good company for ourselves. We are not meant to lie awake at night wondering if someone, anyone, will come to our rescue. We are meant to be our own best friends! 
But –

The factors that create loneliness are not only those external changes and transitions we face and experience in our lives - a new job, a new town, a new country, loss, illness. And the cure for the factors are not just developing new resources that feed new satisfaction for life such as new skills, talents, hobbies, things to learn or focus upon. I believe the most important insight Chittister suggests is discovering new resources within ourselves.

When I posted the question to my Facebook page, my friend Ray responded. “The primary factor that creates my loneliness is the belief that I must be self-sufficient. When I allow my own vulnerability to be revealed, I risk a great deal - but only then can the greatest rewards have a possibility.”

What he points out is the cure or the companion for going through loneliness is trust in the courage to connect - to connect to God, to connect to ourselves, to connect to others through allowing our own vulnerability to be revealed. Staying and sharing the vulnerability requires highly skilled art of mind. Good spirituality is all about this - how we can allow ourselves to be in that place to connect - by opening up, letting go of control, fear, anger, and standing with one foot on the rope of vulnerability, trusting that even if what we can see is just a void, there’s a safety net God has thrown under our feet. It looks like we will fall; we will never fall.

Minority identity can create loneliness. Shame that we have been keeping in secret or burying deep can create loneliness. Disability can create loneliness. Suicidal thoughts can create loneliness. There are many factors that create loneliness in us. However, there may be one simple cure, or more correctly, converging to one: discovering the true source of love that enables belonging. Or, to put it differently, being settled in a deep sense of love and belonging. These two things always go together - impossible to separate. These two concepts and practices reach out to each other. Love and belonging are linked together.

First, love: We can cultivate love only when we allow our most vulnerable selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honour the spiritual connection that grows from that offering. Love is not something we give or get: it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that needs to be cultivated, and we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Shame, guilt, blame, disrespect, and the withholding of affection - love can survive these injuries if they are acknowledged and healed.

Second, belonging: Belonging can cure loneliness only if the ‘belonging’ is belonging in a true and real sense. Because yearning for belonging is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval. But fitting in is not only a hollow substitute for belonging; it is a barrier to it. True belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect or unique selves to the world and we are accepted as ourselves. Belonging transforms us and the way we handle loneliness. Belonging is not just fitting in and being approved for qualities you don’t really possess. Belonging includes you as you are, encourages you and empowers you to accept yourself, love yourself - with your imperfection and perfection, you as an incredible image of God’s resilience -  and you are called in return to offer that belonging to others.

In today’s gospel reading, Jesus says to us, “There is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the ‘better part’, which will not be taken away from her.” What is the “better part”? The better part is always being settled in the deep sense of love and belonging. True belonging as the cure for loneliness is ‘the better part.’

(For further reading on love and belonging, see Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection, Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, p. 26)